You are spinning in my head like a record player. A human magnet that’s pulling me close. A human connection that I’ve never felt before. In a world filled with energy and frequency, you are not a fluke. This feeling can’t be denied. But what is it? Why is it here? Why do I feel it? Until…it hit me. I communicate with you in my mind, telling you how you can survive. I give you tips and tricks about life. I give you light. Maybe this thing is not supposed to be romantic, maybe one soul is supposed to help the other. As I realize this it feels right. How did I not see it before? It’s that inner voice that screams at you telling you what’s right. You need my help, but the next step is figuring out how to help you. How to approach this purpose. I’m open to the Universe’s guidance, and I know that it will guide us to our purpose. Because in a world filled with energy and frequency, it decided to pair us.
It snuck up on me, a feeling I wasn’t familiar with. It wasn’t hectic, passionate, or even dangerous. It was a wave of inner peace. It was being with my higher self. It wasn’t an image I illustrated in my brain. It wasn’t what television told me to want in vain. It wasn’t what society told me it would be. It was simply peace. I scanned my body and did not detect anxiety, insecurity, depression, or neediness. It was peace. It was pure bliss the state of being when you’ve figured it all out. It’s the afterlife as described. No problems no worries just inner peace. In this presence there was safety, in this presence there was no doubt. No one in the world made me feel this way, and I’ve met plenty of people. Those chocolate eyes smiling, as the sunlight was dancing in on them. I could love you forever. I can fall in the depth of this peace. But this peace wasn’t meant for right now. I don’t know if this peace will ever be again. I don’t know if I will ever see you again. But we had this moment and I can’t forget it. I hope and pray to replicate it. In a world of Bobs and Sarahs, I am a dark horse. Different. Unique. You were the only person to match me, the only person who was me. Which is why it’s so hard to let you go.
You’ve taken everything away from me. The power to say no. A dream of having a family. Self-respect. love. Men. My city. But most importantly, me. I keep on giving you this power. submitting myself to the pain. Playing everything over and over again. Like the worlds longest record player. You stole my life. You took away my power. Now I live life with my lights off. I pray to God every night to be fixed. But the pain seems to drag on with no indication of stopping. How do I dig myself out of this hole? How do I know who I am, after I’ve been abused? He took everything away from me. Here I lay broken, here I lay hopeful that I will return again. But the days drag on, it’s almost been a year. Why am I still here? Why can’t I let go? Is this the new normal? Is this who I am now? A broken piece of garbage? I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I just miss myself more than anything. I want my friend back. I love her and I miss her. But I know that she will never be the same after that night. I wish I could fix her.
I drew lines of war on my upper cheekbones. Greased my fingers in paint. Making strokes with my finger. The paint transitioned from gray to black. I looked in the mirror and I knew my opponent was screwed. My eyes focused, pupils dilated. I was fierce. My opponent was not only screwed but he had no chance of survival. I was going to take him for what he’s worth. I started picking his flaws. His crooked teeth. The fact that he’s obsessive and addictive. The fact that he would rather die right now than be living. I threw punches, I threw kicks. His body fell heavily to the floor. I glanced over at his broken body. He had long black hair and was skinny to the bone. I walked by his side stood over his lump body. My rage was gone. My focus shifted. I looked closer at him, moved the hair that had fallen on his face. A shiver traveled from my feet reaching and hitting every nerve in my body. You see my opponent was not a “he”. My opponent was not a man. He was something I had seen every day. When I woke up, and when I went to sleep. He was the one thing I knew best. He was what I referred to as “me”. He laid on the floor, He looked completely broken. He was a goner. I had defeated him. I had flashbacks of our time together. We would wake up, and I would say…” oh great it’s another day.” We would walk to school together, and I would whisper insults to her. “Are you really that pretty”. “Will you really make it”. “Everything that happened to you is your own fault”. I would taunt her until she went to sleep. When the morning sun would rise, I would do it all over again. You see she was mine for the taking, there was no way she could escape me…because she was me. In her worst form, she was me, and I was her…and I had defeated her.
There I was, mid-afternoon tracking my ex via satellite. following his every move. As I watched him drive up and down high ways I thought to myself…”what an idiot.” He doesn’t even remember giving me access to this. He is the lowest of the lows. He deserves negative energy. He deserves karma. Karma that special five letter word. Everywhere I turned it was being served. I asked God for justice, and justice was all I can see. It covered my retina in green. Ah, justice. Sweet, Sweet karma. They all got what they deserved.
I thought I was never going to do it. But I looked inside my soul and it was dark. For the first time ever the bruise made it dim. The dark purple scarring blocked the light. Even though my retina was soaked with justice. The bruise still hurt. I conversated with myself. I told her she had to let it go. She didn’t deserve this immense bruise that was blocking light from entering her. She deserved happiness. She was strength. She was resilience. So I traveled to the depth of my soul. When I reached the bruise I declared….”I forgive you.” At that very moment something released inside of me. I took a deep breath. When I came back to human consciousness. I felt the light pure in. I felt peace again. For the first time in a long time, I felt like a new flower ready to bloom again.
The universe…It brings more questions than answers. Everything is energy. We get what we think about. We attract through vibrations. So, how do you change a negative soul? Who mostly has been ignored. She can count more hardships, than blessings. But is advised to show gratitude for her surroundings. She wants to transform into a women who has it all. But her star has been dimmed. Her eyes show only defeat. Everywhere she turns, someone criticizes her. She gets more negative feedback, than good. How can she become strong, confident, and independent when she’s been abused? How can she trust when she’s been lied to? How can she mutate into HER when she’s been defeated? How does one go on when she feels defeated? But, we get what we think about. So in turn she gets more negative flack. It’s time for her to transform. She no longer what’s to send negative vibrations to the creator. She wants to feel new. Unbroken. But where do you start, when every piece of your soul has been shattered?
It nudged me, rubbed me the wrong way. It happens I’m in my twenties. People go through hardships…it’s life. So ignore it. It’ll go away. It brewed inside like a sneaky parasite. It started in the abdomen, and it traveled through my lungs. It’s this sensation of smoking a pack of cigarettes, when you’ve never touched one in your life. So I put on the nicotine patch. I declared that I want it to stop. But it does not listen. It wears me down. It siphons any energy that I might have. A living corps, with tasks and goals. But not enough energy to complete them all. It’s a sinking ship inside my abdomen. The Titanic of depression. When will it go away? Why won’t it stop? Who has the answers to that? Anyone? Is life just another sinking ship?
Why should a queen lower her crown for a peasant? Sure he will attend to all her needs. Bring her flowers and make her feel special. She will open the doors to her soul…her being. She will take jewels from her own crown, and share them with her beloved peasant. He will wait on her like a slave. Grant her, her every wish. He will love her, cherish her, and promise her a special day in a white dress. He will paint pictures in her mind that would rival picasso. Her whole world mapped out by her beloved. She is now consumed by his love towards her. Every where she turns she notices his paintings of love. So she tears down her final wall, and let’s him enter her completely. Consumed by his paintings she notices a slight difference. Her flowers are arriving too late, and dying too soon. She mentions the flower arrangement to her sweet heart. He bewilderedly acknowledges the difference. But proclaims to being distracted by her beauty; to acknowledge the beauty of the roses. She accepts his noble reasoning with gratitude. Within a week she stops receiving her daily roses, but jots it down to his distraction with her beauty. The paintings were still on display, and those were the golden tickets that made her fall in love with her beloved. They spent every day together sharing kisses and stories. She had a new glimmer in her eyes, that would put the stars to shame. Late at night she would stare at them, and wonder how lucky she got with her beloved. Everyone noticed his kind heart, his paintings, his love. One enchanting day they went on a stroll per usual: they shared kisses and stories. This time his kisses lingered on her body more than usual. His arms stroked her rougher than usual. His eyes glared over, with a look she hadn’t recognized before. She looked up at him while he stroked her entire body, stopping at the neck. That night the Queen transformed into a princess. For she was out past the stroke of midnight. Her Jewels started falling off her crown, and she tried to stop them…but she did not have enough strength. She ran from him trying to keep her regalness intact. She felt a tingling that grew in her stomach, spreading all over body. She felt this feeling she had never felt before. She felt disgust. Why would a Queen lower her jewels for peasant?
Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to good people. I felt it again that drop in the abdomen. It was there brewing with might. Will it ever go away I wondered, as I watched the sun rise behind The Wasatch Mountains. It’s been like this on and off since I was fourteen, I watched the sun rise because the fright-mares would not let me relax. I would watch the world fall asleep, and rise once again, relaxed filled with a new days glimmer of hope. But for me that hope was no where to be found, at least not today. With about no sleep I was supposed to get up and work. Yup that’s me employee of the month…sike I never win anything. Anyway, so there I was living in a cyclone, each day as the last. I would watch the world wake up, while I was dead in life. I Watched in still motion how everyone succeeded and here I was feeling defeated. I shut everyone out and I build a wall that would put The Great Wall of China to shame. No crossing barrier, no chance of survival, just me in my new armor. No one will dare trespass, because I knew how to act. I acted like the glimmer of a new day touched me each day. I acted and I will continue to act so that no body will trespass. And nobody did for a very long time. Until I saw it in his eyes. As I build new walls I let others fall. I was no longer concerned about what others thought. So I was me in every shape and form. Curly hair, skinny as a stick, with a mouth that can run on fuel for days. I showed my weird and in return he gave me his heart. That night was different, that night was revolutionary. I will cherish that night for as long as my memory will allow. For that was the night when we fell in love. Maybe it long before that, but that night we realized. I joked on my own behalf, and he laughed as usual, but this time his cheeks flushed red, his eyes glossed over,and his eyes became soft. That’s when I realized I had a special place in his heart.
My face soaked in tears, as I plead to god, make it stop. for I couldn’t take it any longer. So Instead of the clouds clearing up, a rain storm struck that made me drown into a sorrow that I had never faced before. In two weeks time my heart was crushed, but that wasn’t even the worst part. For a beast was after me preying on me each evening taunting me with it’s menacing tactics. eyes open wide, body unable to move paralyzed in mid noon. Hoping someone would see me like this shake my body and save me. But rarely anyone would. For everyone had their own tasks to complete. Days, and nights had turned into months as I stayed in this state. No one to help but the mighty lord. So I took a plane ride down south and I got some help from an ally. The storm clouds cleared up and I was left with pieces of myself broken in half. But I was alright, for I was cured. Each day was still a struggle for broken pieces are hard to glue back together. I made goals and plans for a glued tomorrow. But as luck would have it, I was struck with the same fate in a years time. For the beast that taunted me was slayed, but like a ghost another one followed me home. It’s never been the same. For I am in a battlefield each day. Pleading to God to make it go away, but I’m afraid for the last time I had this faith the storm clouds only grew darker each day.
thefabuloustruth 