Who am I? I’m changing evolving into a better, grander, failure,sinner, kinder, loving person. I had it all gentlemen, boys, players, lovers. I chose none. I only loved you blue eyes, cockiness, hurtful lies, and emptiness. I’m alone, happy, desperate, single, broken. I’m not enough I’ve lost it :special, nameless, popular, who? Heads turn jaws drop guess whose lost her spark? Vain, selfish, depressed, and bad was brewing inside. Light, kindness, and joy is what I enjoy. But the spark has faded away for I chose light instead of dark. I am no longer loved, desired, used, or broken. I’m happy, special, kind, and nice all wrapped into one.
What is love to you? Never giving up. Will you wait forever for a person who does not care back? Will you yearn, mourn, and cry. Boiling tears dripping down your face and for what? For a person who stabbed you in the heart? He’ll care for her ,yearn for her, and love her. you will see it all unravel but you’ll still endlessly believe he’s in love with YOU. So your love turns into an obsession and you become a torch bender for a person you don’t really remember. What is love to you? Forever waiting for prince charming to decide to stop on by? Sure he’s real he’s on Once Upon a Time. What is love to you? I thought i knew the answer to that. But I don’t. I was thought that true love only happened once. So when I felt it right it was acquainted love. True love is not real unless it is returned so i guess it wasn’t true. Love is what movies and television shows teach me. But what happens when real men don’t fit those standards? Will I be forever alone? Or will I unhappily settle for a man I do not adore…?
Once we enter this life we cry, because even then we know it’s bad. As we try to adjust we learn how to speak, walk, and learn. We learn to love it here because father, mother, and sister are here. We try so hard to fit in here until our memories before birth have disappeared. When we finally connect faces to emotions that’s when it’s settled we know we are welcomed here. So we forget about the life before birth. We bring more souls to the world and call them our own. But as skin begins to wrinkle and looks began to fade, you become afraid. Afraid of the one place you called home before you came into the world of suffering, sorrow, despair, and distrust. All of those are crushed by what you have found love, sympathy, forgiveness, and faith. You close your eyes as your soul is released to only happiness and bliss for you’ve been good and your sins have been forgiven.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”..or so they say. “Everything happens for a reason”, ” just another lesson learned”. Drop your head down from the clouds, these lessons you’ve learned by far are nothing but a bunch of lies. You know the right from wrong, you live by the moral code. So when another “picture is burned” you hold on and remember what you have learned. You try not to sin again. But when your eyes linger on the other half…and when once again it does not last. You try to pull yourself together and remember “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, “Everything happens for a reason”, and yet again “just another lesson was learned”. But in reality how strong can you really get? Who and what are these reasons that have destined tears in your eyes. These lessons that you’ve learned are not helping you mend. The worlds coming down and not one single holy figure is around. No one wants to help. Friends and family say it’ll get better but you see it in their eyes that it will never. Life moves on and so do they, but your still sitting, waiting, failing at every attempt you are making. And yet you still whisper to yourself…”what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”, ” everything happens for a reason, I will be happy again”, ” this is just another lesson I learned, I’m sure I’ll be good”. Hope is the one Human characteristic that never dies, without hope we all would be committing suicide so we lie and pretend that our lives will get better.
How do you look fear in the face and not flinch? Chest aches, palms sweat, horrid images of failure flashes through our minds. We all have dreams and aspiration, but like a sneaky beast this feeling of fear creeps up on us and plants doubt. So we live in fear, we stick with the status quo, we don’t try new things. We grow old and we look back…to a life we never had. We accomplished a few things, but our dreams were never fulfilled. If we only had a time machine we’d look fear right in the face and spit in it. It would no longer keep your mind captive. Because fear is just a thought and thoughts are not real. Therefore your fear is imaginary. The world will judge you none of the less. But it will not stand in the way of what you aspire.
Love is like a waterfall, it’s stunningly beautiful. But it’s also a poison. It lures you in with it’s beauty. Compelled, you stare, you want, and you believe this will happen, we will be together. You stand on both legs on top of the waterfall looking at the view. Thinking you’ve figured it all, But then like a snake it bites and tears your heart out. Your falling no longer on both feet, and the fall is greater than any other scratch you’ve had before. When you finally hit rock bottom, you realize love is a suicide. You just willingly jumped to your hearts death. You will never love the same, you will never be the same. So before you stare in amazement remember…love is a suicide
It starts with a tingle arising from our stomachs, traveling onto our ribs, and lungs, then it jumps straight onto our hearts. Eyes flicker as if a light blub has been switched on, and that’s when we know it’s happened. We’ve reached a state in life where we are completely and utterly happy. It makes you feel strong, powerful, as if you are capable of accomplishing anything you aspire to do. But you also feel frightened, scared that this wonderful emotion will fade away. Be replaced by sadness, depression, even grief. So we treasure it, expand it as much as we possibly can. Until it becomes an act. Fake smiles, fake laughs, forced emotions. How transparent are we? Not transparent enough, we become Oscar winners walking up to the Grand Stage accepting our reward we cry because we are proud to be such great posers, but when we arrive into the press room. We realize there is another side. So many questions are being asked. Who are you wearing, bounces off as to who are you? More questions you cannot answer.. Can you still fake it? Are you laughing now? are you smiling? Can you fake it? A shock wave arises from your gut, traveling into your ribs and lungs, it shoots straight into the heart and you realize. Because of your great acting abilities your best friends with your husbands mistress. Your children are addicted to drugs. Eyes sinking in tears, heart hard as a rock, you now understand being an actress is not enough. So you pull the mask off your face and you take it off. no longer afraid of the grief that is headed your way. Your husband becomes just another name crossed of the list. While your kids are an inspiration to start a different kind of list. Goals appear in your thoughts. You think to your self ” I don’t have to act”. You set your kids on the the pathway to recovery. As you take the road to the the emotion that started all your problems. Yet again it starts with a tingle arising from your stomach, traveling onto your ribs, and lungs, then it jumps straight onto your heart. Eyes flicker as if a light blub has been switched on, you treasure the emotion and remember it. But pull away just in time, stick it into your pocket….and remember to take it out another day.